Psychoterapeuta też jest człowiekiem – spojrzenie z kozetki

Who stays in front of me during sessions? HUMAN. I wonder when I noticed it. Late. Very late.
For nine years of my psychotherapy, I have seen a supporting, gentle man who patiently listened to what I had to say. Topics returned again and again, week by week, month by month, perhaps year by year. The psychotherapist listened to me patiently.
Did I wonder what emotional costs related to his work he bears? Not really. He is a psychotherapist. He has years of experience. And he has a great vision.
Sometimes I could see him out of the corner of my eye, agitated, angry, moved or smiling. My thoughts going through my head said that my story is moving, but also that this is so intimate that I should not look at it.
Edification came late; edification as to perceive human in front of me. It came when I started to run workshops and could see how hard it is to work with people. I started to wonder if my uneasy personality, emotions and life experiences may be hard to deal with for a psychotherapist; if he can feel angry or disaffected with me, humanly. The truth is that in most cases I met with acceptance and empathy during sessions.
Currently, I have a kind of crisis. I am far from calling it mental, but a crisis related to emotions. Along with this crisis, a new meaning is given to words, people and relations. This is a difficult experience, with a lot of strain. I started to wonder what emotional charge I have. I felt frightened. I mean, who is strong enough to take this big load of emotions and not cause damage to one’s health? I felt worried about my psychotherapist.
Obviously, I realise that I am not supposed to guard him. But the title of my article suggests who I see looking at a psychotherapist. I think and feel that to take emotions on oneself, to accept, sometimes against logic, is a very hard task.
So, who I see looking at a psychotherapist? A companion on the great journey, most important – the journey called my life. A guide who guided me through gloomy places, straits, turns and death canyons. He met me from the gloomiest side. He was close to me when I was happy and succeeded in my life. Sometimes success meant simply reaching my classes at school. He was, and he is, right in the moments when I needed support. I feel grateful and wonder how on earth he deals with me.

Kogo widzę naprzeciwko w trakcie sesji? CZŁOWIEKA. Zastanawiam się, kiedy go dostrzegłam. Późno. Bardzo późno.
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